Horsham:
A Veteran Beginner's Martial Arts Notebook
"In Confidence" Part 1
by Stuart Coupe (4th Ji)
May 2006
Stuart Coupe (2nd on Right) with fellow students of
Master Adam Goward (5th Duan)"Kevin, any homework for me this week?"
I'm in my classroom at school checking on my pupils. This week though, it's not so much the homework I'm interested in, rather the creative excuses for not doing it.
"Well, er..I was gonna do it this morning sir but mi' Dad had to take the car to the garage and.." Kevin's voice trails off awaiting my usual reaction of dismay. Today though, he doesn't get it.
"Excellent Kevin, thank you for that. And last week…?"
Kevin screws up his face, bemused. "Well last week mi' dog got sick so I 'ad to look after 'im…. and the week before that mi' Auntie had a party… I didn't go... she lives in 'Weymuff' y'see, but I did spend a lot o' time finking about her and…."
"Thanks Kevin, that's brilliant, just what I needed to hear. Well done. Have a merit."
Kevin saunters away trying to make sense of this surprise encounter whilst I make a mental note of the information. I'll need it for Wednesday evening's TSD lesson. You see, I've already seen some squirming, unprepared, 'damn -it-what- shall- I-say- faces' from my fellow TSD students when they're asked for their Championship form and I'm determined not to be one of them. I'm going to ready, armed and dangerous with top quality Kevin excuses. Wednesday arrives.
"Have you got your Championship form then Stuart?" asks Master Goward.
Kevin's list skips through my head. Shall I go for the car excuse, the dog or distant relative? How about a distant relative in 'Weymuf' savaged into a having a hernia by a mad dog belonging to the garage owner.. Hospital visits Saturday's only in June I'm afraid…."
But after this mental marathon of panic I'm hit into some bizarre moment of self-confession.
"Actually Master Goward, truth is, I'm not quite sure that I have the confidence." A very long Tang Sou pause ensues before Master Goward raises his eyebrows and slowly glances sideways, ticking me off on the attendance sheet.
"Really," he says and records my attendance.
And that's it.
Boy, am I pleased with myself. Off I trot off for a great session of TSD followed by a big celebratory piece of Tesco's cake. A job well done. I can give my Championship demons a wide berth and relax.
But something isn't quite right. I get home and think about what I said about not having the confidence. Paradoxical though it is, I begin to think that openly admitting to not having the confidence was in itself an act of confidence, a kind coming clean about the reality of oneself, flaws and all, and having the courage to acknowledge these head on. I think that maybe I should do the Championships after all.
Confidence is a term expounded by our teachers a good deal in TSD but what does it actually mean and can it positively affect our lives outside of class? Through practice, there is of course the knowledge that we can have more confidence in our physical ability but as I talk to my friends at TSD class, they sometimes comment on a shift in confidence in their wider lives. I have personally felt and benefited from this also. Of late, I'm more inclined to challenge (with guarded responsibility) some aspects of anti-social behaviour that I see or address those little injustices in life that before I may have ignored but felt uneasy about. I feel more confident when challenged at work and am holding (with all due regard for a sense of respect for others views) more store by my own convictions. This shift in confidence has been for me the greatest benefit of my practice and is the key motivating factor in continuing with my training.
It won't be a revelation to anybody who I train with to know that in class there are times when my confidence in my TSD ability waivers but I'm guessing that this will be true to some extent or another with all beginners and perhaps even those with greater experience. What I do know though is that when the challenges of TSD are met and when slowly but surely these challenges give way to new, more demanding ones, there is great satisfaction in a tangible sense of progress and this seems to carry through into everyday life, manifesting itself in greater self assuredness and perhaps of equal importance, a greater understanding and empathy for those around me who have their own hurdles and journeys to master.
Kevin is one of these people. He still has his homework hurdles to get over and I my TSD mountains. Aware that I am his teacher but also a pupil myself, we manage between us to negotiate a line between discipline and compassion, seriousness and humour, and confidence in knowing that we can both learn something from each other. It's the same in TSD. And it's in these moments that maybe we get a little glimpse of something of what life might be all about.
Tang Sou!Stuart Coupe
Horsham
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